Growing up, my father was a towering figure in my life—both a source of guidance and, at times, an overwhelming presence. Our relationship has always been a complex dance between seeking approval and striving for independence. I can trace back so many of my choices—career moves, relationships, even how I show up in the world—to an invisible but powerful question: What would my father think? Whether I was consciously trying to impress him or subconsciously resisting his influence, he was always there, shaping the way I moved through life.
It wasn’t until I came across a concept in David Deida’s Way of the Superior Man that I began to truly unpack how deeply his presence—his approval, his disappointment, his expectations—had embedded itself into my decision-making. In Chapter 3, Deida presents a concept that at first sounds harsh, even unsettling: “Live as if your father is dead.”
At first glance, this idea can seem disrespectful, even cruel. But at its core, it’s not about forgetting or dishonoring our fathers—it’s about releasing ourselves from the lifelong pursuit of their approval and the shadow of their judgment. It’s about stepping into full authenticity and making choices from our deepest truth rather than from inherited expectations or wounds.
The Weight of a Father’s Influence
For many of us, our father is the first authority figure we encounter. Whether he was present or absent, loving or critical, involved or distant, his influence is woven into the fabric of who we are. We measure our successes against his standards, internalize his voice, and sometimes, without even realizing it, shape our identities in response to him—whether in alignment with or in rebellion against his beliefs.
Deida’s principle invites us to consider what life would look like if we removed our father’s presence from the equation. Not in a literal sense, but in the way we make decisions and navigate our personal evolution.
Would you be in the same career?Would you have pursued the same relationships?Would you hold the same fears, the same limitations, the same relentless need to prove yourself?
Living as if your father is dead doesn’t mean pretending he never existed. It means allowing yourself to step out from his shadow and into the light of your own truth.
Breaking Free from the Approval Trap
Many of us unconsciously live in a state of perpetual seeking—seeking validation, seeking permission, seeking to be seen as “enough” in our father’s eyes. Even in adulthood, we may still be trying to earn his respect, whether directly or indirectly. Some do this by chasing career success, financial security, or personal achievements. Others rebel, making choices purely in opposition to what they believe their father would have wanted, which, ironically, still ties them to his influence.
But what if you were free from all of that?
Deida’s concept is a radical invitation to ask: What would I do if my father were no longer a factor? If there were no expectation to uphold, no judgment to fear, no validation to win—how would you show up in your own life?
This shift is uncomfortable because it forces you to take full ownership of your path. There’s no one to blame, no one to impress, no one to lean on. Just you, standing in your own authority.
A Mental Exercise: Becoming Your Own Guide
If this idea resonates with you, but you’re unsure how to start applying it, here’s a mental exercise that can help:
First, imagine a world where your father has always been the unwavering guide you needed. Picture him as the version of himself who always gave you the wisdom, support, and clarity you sought. Think about how that kind of presence would have shaped your confidence and decision-making.
Now, imagine your father has passed away. There is no longer an external source to seek approval from or rebel against. The voice you relied on—whether for guidance or resistance—is gone.
With his absence, you are now the source of your own wisdom. Ask yourself: If I were to advise myself the way I always wished my father had, what would I say? What would I need to provide for myself that I once sought from him?
Step into your own authority. Recognize that the wisdom, validation, and direction you once looked for in him now belong to you. You are the one who must see around the corners of your own life.
This exercise is powerful because it forces an internal shift. It places responsibility back in your hands. Instead of waiting for guidance, you become your own guide. Instead of waiting for approval, you give it to yourself. Instead of carrying the weight of your father’s presence—whether real or imagined—you lighten the load and walk forward freely.
Healing the Relationship Without Being Defined by It
Living as if your father is dead does not mean cutting ties or dismissing his role in your life. If anything, it can lead to a healthier, more authentic relationship—one that is no longer burdened by unconscious expectations or unresolved childhood wounds.
For those of us who have complicated relationships with our fathers, this approach offers a path to healing. By stepping into self-trust, we stop demanding something from our fathers that they may never be able to give. We stop replaying old narratives and start writing new ones. We begin to see them not as omnipotent figures, but as flawed human beings who did the best they could with what they had.
And more importantly, we begin to see ourselves as whole, independent, and fully capable of leading our own lives.
Final Thoughts
This process isn’t easy. It may stir up grief, resistance, or even anger. But discomfort is often the first step toward transformation. Releasing the grip of your father’s approval—whether you’ve spent your life chasing it or resisting it—is one of the most liberating things you can do.
When you live as if your father is dead, you don’t lose him. You simply lose the version of yourself that was waiting for him to tell you who you are.
And in doing so, you finally become the person you were always meant to be.
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